Family is where the foundation of future society is laid. Parenting has become one of the most demanding jobs. Mahendra Shah tells us of the initiatives for change that he took in his family.

Our family of two daughters and us is as ordinary as other families. It is perhaps different in the way we tackle trouble together, decide jointly, lead a simple lifestyle, share work and values, eat together and not take each other for granted. Our family is an umbrella where we all share because we all contribute.

But we learnt and achieved all this the hard way. In the three years following my father’s sudden death, severe squabbles between my wife, my spinster sister and my mother finally split the family. My daughters, in formative years, were bewildered. We all were angry, sad and bitter.

At this difficult stage, I happened to attend a Leadership program at MRA, Panchgani. When I shared my story with MRA people, I experienced true listening, lined with gentle care, not sympathy. I read some excellent books jointly with one of them. Quiet time helped me revisit my basic values and realise my mistakesand weaknesses. As I began to listen, I experienced peace of mind, patience and care for others and a need for purpose in my life.

I learnt that “retribution” is more than just saying sorry. I realised, after almost a year of painful internal conflict that, regardless of who was right, I had hurt my mother deeply. I went to her and apologised for the hurt. I tried not to expect anything in return & since her wounds were raw, It was difficult. As time passed, the wounds healed and relations improved. When brother’s marriage went to pieces, with a lot of bad blood and legal and police pressures, I supported him closely.

My wife, on seeing what made me change, also began helping in MRA programs. We found that sharing our true story to total strangers touched them and helped them bring about small but important changes in their lives. We realised that our troubles were not the greatest of all. Our learning never ceased thence.

Realising that communication was the essence, our family decided to meet daily post-dinner. We agreed on certain ground rules – each has a right to speak, while being responsible to care for the rest; each meeting to be voluntarily chaired, regardless of age; when one spoke, others would strive to listen; meeting would last 30 minutes, unless desired by all otherwise.

It was endearing to see the little ones chair & control. I was admonished lovingly if I felt like hugging anyone during the meeting! Each made notes in own diary. Agenda for the next meeting was fixed at the end of meeting. The sheer thoughtfulness of each of us in the homework was enriching. In the meetings, issues were discussed and joint solutions arrived at. We learnt to look at what was right, rather than who was right. Still, negative feedback was painful but we struggled by listening.

One daughter told me that my anger hurt the rest, which helped me change. Of course, all the three were lovingly helpful during my struggles. Also, the trauma of family split had slowly worn off.

The younger daughter, who did not study hard, learnt to understand her volition, while the others understood her value as a person, in spite of bad grades. Her self-esteem grew and she became a good student gradually.

My elder daughter was very particular about keeping her things neat and in place, In contrast, the younger one was careless about her own things and sister’s too. This was a major point for their fights. My wife habitually mediated and failed to create a win-win end. Realising that the concerned parties can settle matters better, she was asked not to mediate. Each daughter jotted down good qualities of the other that she respected and areas of improvement of self. After this, they found new respect for each other, making the fights infrequentand milder.

We agreed on common family values & practised them, knowing the price payable. We would tell the truth at school, regardless of punishment. We refused to produce a doctor’s certificate as we had not taken his services, the ailment being minor. The headmistress accepted our point of view, looking at the assertion of my daughter, backed by us. Actions were not approved by parents; they were decided jointly. Hence participation and accountability was fullest by all.

My family returns excess cash received by mistake to a shopkeeper or bank cashier, even if it is a large amount. On a bus or a local train, we always insist on tickets. My wife Jayshree traveled often by municipal buses. Normally, the bus would be crowded and the conductor would find it difficult to reach everyone soon enough. She would get down without a ticket if he did not reach her in time. She applied the logic that it is his duty to reach her and that if he is away, she can alight without a ticket. Her inner voice objected. She decided that she will insist on a ticket. She then began passing money through other passengers and getting a ticket through the same channel. She continues to insist on a ticket, sometimes this delaying the bus. Once she lost her driving license when her purse was stolen. To get a new one, she promptly went to the RTO, located far away from home. To her surprise and indignation, she failed the test twice. Though the decision to fail her the second time was wrong and unfair, the officer refused to take one more trial. When asked what she will do, she said that she will give the third test ! Although she felt frustrated, she did not want to leave the matter to an agent. She passed the third time. All this after she had driven the 2-wheeler for many years! She put up with all the troubles of commuting long distances, heat and dust, waiting for the test for the learning period and then in a queue, spending money on fees, often feeling frustrated, but determined too.

Once, in queue for holiday travel booking, she wrote the daughter’s age as 11, as she had just turned 12. On reaching the window, conscience made her declare the truth on the form & pay adult fare.

When we have not done advance booking, we do not buy cinema tickets in black; we just return home and see it later, if possible. Only once, when newly married, we paid black money. To get gas cylinder early (waiting periods used to be more than a month), we did not pay more. We were fully aware that others did pay. My wife willingly faced kerosene fumes & slow speed of cooking.

At one stage, we had no money to buy utensils, let alone a fridge. We ate and slept on the floor, laying and picking up mattresses and dishes as a routine. Shoes and uniforms were repaired often. Municipal bus or local were used to go to school. We were happy with or without things. We often bought used items. My daughters felt bad for those girls who had less than us. All this made us value simplicity. When we could buy a fridgeand then a TV, we did not jump with joy but were glad. We learnt the value of money together.

We also decided how work would be shared at home; I washed dinner dishes. Daughters kept their room clean and helped cut vegetables & make rotis. This reduced workload on my wife. The work got over fast, giving us time to be together to listen to and help each other. Most of all, we realised that work is fun, especially if done together. We did not employ a maid even though we could afford one later on. Now, we have a maid but we still share kitchen work and general upkeep.

Today, we have almost everything but I feel we are not as happy as before. Perhaps, we are getting more attached to things than to people. While facilities are good because they are useful, facilities change lifestyles and borrowed lifestyles justify more facilities. Technology and others’ lifestyles have not yet robbed simplicity from our lives, although the influence is strong.

All the above happened when our daughters were school-going. Right from childhood, we brought them up in such a way that they could face life without us. We would not pick them up if they fell down trying to get up to walk, so that they understood that the pain of falling is a part of learning in life. We let them do things on their own and minimised spoon-feeding. They never had extra coaching or tuition but did well at studies.

As they turned into adults, struggling to gain self-confidence and decide independently, we observed that our bringing up to be independent was helping. But we also saw rudeness, lack of respect and disobedience. Once, the younger one told us to practise what we preach. Although we taught them to be independent in their attitude, we seem to dislike their wanting freedom of thinking and decision making. We seem confused, torn between what we wish our children to be and what our personal needs are. So doubts and questions rose in our minds – do we lack confidence in our upbringing and fear they making mistakes and getting hurt? Don’t we need to change with the time, to learn to be in different roles than before, to remain relevant? Is ageing reflected in the feeling of being irrelevant by sticking to the old ways? Change does not affect values as these are not time based. But, change does affect outdated thoughts & ways. However, our daughters remain as loving & caring as before, which makes this change manageable and less painful.

At such times, to balance myself, I read Kahlil Gibran’s book, ‘The Prophet’, where he says

Today, our elder daughter is working as a Computer Engineer with Infosys, while the other one is waiting for her final year’s examinations in Arts. As we look back, we feel satisfied.

My wife has been a pillar of strength, with never a weak word uttered. She is superbly independent minded and firmly karma oriented. She is simple, with keen common sense and practical approach to most issues, which balances my intellect. She has qualities that I lack; she truly compliments me. To our children, she has been what I jokingly call “a mother hen”. She has looked after us so well to leave no room for complaints. She managed schooling of our children, to the best of her abilities, freeing me to look after my career. I have learnt to respect her ability to remain cool and wise. Role clarity is one important facet of our harmony. I could have been unhappy, wishing that I had a wife who was an intellectual and career-minded and perhaps would have struggled more for harmony and happiness. Constantly, I remain grateful to God for having blessed me with a life mate like her.

We do not think that our family is either an ideal or a perfect one. We have had our fair share of troubles, like any other family. All that we did was to care for each other, listen, share and remain simple & grateful. We believe that joyfulness and cheer makes problems look smaller and makes life easier.