The vicious circle of bad parenting had turned round. To this day we all still feel guilty that we had failed her.

In England in the 1970’s we were a trendy Oxfordshire couple, my first husband and I. We had all read the book ‘How to talk to your children’ and as a result they were never ‘told’ they were always ‘asked’. And their opinions really counted. We held family conferences and decisions were made there. We were enjoying their early teenage years; two bright capable boys who practiced with their bands in our garage and an adopted girl who was very creative and also into horse riding and sports (before she discovered boys!)

We decided as a family that since things were going so well for us we could offer a home to a child who needed fostering, with a view to adoption.

Rosie came to live with us. She was the illegitimate child of a West Indian father, adopted out at two. The adoption broke down and she went into ‘care’ and was in and out of various foster homes until she came to live with us. We were considered stable enough to be able to cope with her.

We were all prepared for some problems, but a year into the relationship things began to break down – it was not just the constant lying, stealing, deceit and not coming home at night that sent a busy family into chaos. It was also sneaky things like taking someone else’s school jumper on a Monday morning and hiding it, going into the bathroom before her turn and refusing to come out, destroying someone else’s hard earned homework etc. All these things put the whole family into turmoil and we were not used to that.

Eventually she was taken back into ‘care’ – our family at breaking point. Later she had a series of brutal relationships, children she couldn’t cope with and who also were taken into ‘care’. The last we heard of her she was in prison. The vicious circle of bad parenting had turned round. To this day we all still feel guilty that we had failed her.

After several years of marriage to my second husband and caring for his son after his mother’s death, we realised that we were not going to have the children that we would have liked. However, all the grown up children were successful in pursuing their various careers and we were proud of their progress. In 1992 we were in India to meet His Holiness the Dalai Lama and were so inspired by him that we went to the school in Dharamsala and offered to sponsor a Tibetan refugee child. We were introduced to a young girl, Dolkar, whose story some readers may have read in a previous edition of Disha. She was brought to India with her brother to learn the Tibetan culture, language and traditions which were being denied to her in her own country. Over the years we grew to love her and we became her ‘western parents’. When she left her Tibetan school in India, we brought her to England for six months and that was such a happy time for all of us. Dolkar was so willing to learn and work alongside us and experience everything. She captivated everyone she met and when she had her 21st birthday party people came from all over England to celebrate. It was magic to watch this rather unsure schoolgirl transform into a confident and beautiful young woman. She is now at Pune University, working hard for her business degree.

Dolkar is a loyal and loving daughter. Most days there is a text message - Hot news of the day!!! And she calls us every other week from India. I pray that in her life she never meets anyone who will take away that loving spirit and that lovely bright smile.

Elizabeth Clements
Teacher for 35 years, England