I spent a year in America in 1962 working for the Ohio Steel Foundry Company. I had the good fortune of working under a boss who was not only a world class metallurgist but also a very fine human being.

Art Gross, my boss, and I were very close and we spent many hours together, both on and off the job. We could talk on virtually any subject and enjoy our discussion. On one occasion we were talking about parenting and what makes a good parent. In his opinion, he said, a child has very little obligation to its parents, since it is the parent that has produced the child and the child has had no say at all in the matter. However, he felt that the parent had three obligations to the child: to give the finest education both through school and college; to tutor the child to have a good set of values and to give the child as much love as was possible. Having done this, the parent should not expect anything in return from the child.

Being brought up in India, along more conservative lines, I found it hard to accept what Art had said and we argued the pros and cons of his proposition. But whenever I was with the Gross family, I was struck by the free, easy and uncomplicated relationship that existed between the Gross parents and their daughter and son. The respect the children gave to their parents was never demanded but invariably given. You could feel the love flowing between them and the children treated their parents more like friends. They sought their advice, confided in them and were genuinely anxious for their approval. I never once remember either Art or his wife Dorothy ever having to demand that their children do this or the other. At the time, the Gross children were 26 and 21 years old so we are talking about an adult relationship. However, how often is it that we witness children in their early adulthood rebelling against their parents? I am therefore very grateful to Art and his family for giving me my first lesson in parenting, even before I was married!

My wife and I have been blessed with five children, four girls and a boy. I shouldn’t really be calling them girls and boys because age-wise they are all adults – the eldest being 40 years old and the youngest 26.

I was very hard on my first two girls, because I tried to bring them up in the same manner that I remember being brought up – very strictly. I hate admitting this, but I spanked my eldest daughter when she was just six months old. I shudder when I think about it now but that was my mind-set at that age. Having been so hard on my first two girls, I think I spoilt my second two. When I look back now, I feel that my reactions in being a parent were really a reflection of my relationship in my marriage. When we are young and newly married, one usually thinks about what one is getting out of one ’s partner rather than on what one is giving to her or him. And I suppose this mind-set extends to the relationship with one ’s children – much to the chagrin of the children!

I only really began to appreciate the importance of giving love after our son Jehangir was born. We realized about a year after he was born that he was not a normal child and that he was challenged mentally. By the grace of God, rather than being put off and becoming aloof, as I have seen happen with so many, my realization was that Jehangir would need special care and attention and that I must be the one to provide this for him. We knew that Jehangir had been born with an additional chromosome. Such children grow very large physically and can become violent out of frustration. We had therefore been advised that the more loving the environment around him, the less the likelihood of his becoming violent. In a way, one might say that I was forced into giving and creating a loving environment in the family. Having started down that road I realised how little I had given to my wife and my other children during all the past years. I therefore had to, and I think I did, make up for the time that I had lost.

Love is such a wonderful thing! The more you give, the more you get. The marvelous part is that it is a double whammy! It feels wonderful when you are giving it and it feels even better when you are at the receiving end! I would not classify parents as good or bad. Just as those who are loving and those who are not. We just do not realise what we are missing till we start giving!
Try it!

Sarosh Ghandy
Convener, CENTREL